New Shoes...

What is it about change that makes people damn near run away from it? Why is change such a bad thing? I think that it has to do with people just being comfortable and content with where they are. Anything that threatens that will likely be met with some form of resistance or opposition. I also feel like the older people get the less likely they are to embrace change. I used to see it in my old job a lot. Anytime something new or different came down to incorporate into their job they never wanted to learn it cause the old way worked fine. It would take too much time and energy to learn this new thing, so why bother? I call that the old people mentality. And whenever I catch myself thinking like that I have to stop myself cause I have a fear of looking like my mother.

I don't know if it is the same for the men, but in the women's sections of department stores you have like the Junior's, Misses and then what I call the old people section. Where everything looks like it came from Coldwater Creek. Every time I walk by that section I always ask myself how does one get to the point where they feel like these clothes actually look appealing to them? I need to know so that I don't end up down that road. Now granted I am definitely not the most fashionable person by a long shot. But that doesn't mean I want to be dressing like a grandma either. Just cause someone is old doesn't mean they have to wear boring clothes. But I digress...

So my mother has pretty much bought and worn the same types of clothes for ever. Hair is the same, makeup is the same everything same, same, same. She even still balances her checkbook by hand! Who does that? (old people). I try to get her to try new things but I swear it's like pulling teeth. It is just SO HARD and she fights me the whole way. I on the other hand have kind of always liked switching things up. I like to try new things. But sometimes I catch myself having that old people, anti change mentality about certain things. I will recognize something needs to change and then I still won't do it. Not until I get sick and tired of whatever it was, or the change is forced upon me.

For example, I had these little flat shoes I used to wear to work pretty much all the time. These shoes were SO comfortable I could wear them all day, every day. They were the only comfortable pair of shoes I had and it was almost like I would never find another pair as comfy. But on the flip side man these shoes were RAGGEDY! OMG I shouldda been ashamed to leave the house in these lil things. I would wear them to work, but I would never wear them to go any place else cause I knew they were tore down. It's almost embarrassing how jacked these shoes were. I swear if anyone were to ever take a close look at them, they would probably look at me like I was crazy. Cause it's not like I couldn't afford to buy another pair of shoes. I was just too comfortable in the raggedy ones. And clearly I didn't care that they looked like hell.

Then one day I was on the phone with my mother talking about some unfortunate events that had recently happened in the family. In my mind I'm thinking about the person involved and the whole situation and wondering why they don't just do something different? Just change! But then I happened to look down at my raggedy ass shoes. I realized that I was being a hypocrite. If I can't even go out and buy a new pair of shoes to get out of my lil ol raggedy flats, how do I expect someone to go out and change their LIFE? I can't even change my damn shoes. It was then that I decided to buy some new shoes. Sometimes you gotta just throw old shit out. Even if you feel like you can still use it or still want to keep it around. Once it has served it's purpose, just let it go. I am wearing my new shoes for the first time today. And guess what? They are even MORE comfortable than my old ones!! Imagine that! .

So yeah, while you may feel uneasy, uninterested, uncomfortable or apprehensive about change, it can definitely be a good thing. And just cause something isn't broken, doesn't mean it can't be better. So whether it's a new pair of shoes, or a new path in life, embrace it cause the grass just may be greener on the other side.

A miss- ...

I don't even know what I would call this situation. A miss-communication, misunderstanding, mislabeling, misrepresentation, I don't know, it may be one or all of those, but damnit something is amiss! I honestly can't figure it out and I don't think I ever will so it just is what it is and I'll have to leave it at that. On one hand I kind of feel a little hoodwinked. Like I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. Although really, going back to the whole gut thing, I always knew something wasn't quite right. I was missing something, or there was something I was seeing and just couldn't put a finger on what it was and why it didn't sit well. I still can't.. That ambiguity made me curious though cause I just had to fill in the blanks, but the reality is I should have just let the blanks be blank cause curiosity killed the cat.

How do I explain this? Say someone tells you for example that they live in a great neighborhood. That's all they tell you though. So you want to know how great this place really is. In my mind a great neighborhood would have to posses certain qualities or characteristics that make it great. Maybe it has a lot of amenities like shopping and good schools or whatever the case may be. Bottom line is there are certain things you would expect to find there, and then there are other things you would not expect, and be surprised if you did find them. Like you don't expect to see drug dealers or have a crack house in such a "great" neighborhood. Or have rundown buildings and trash all in the streets.Certain terminology sets expectations.And the only way to find out if something is what you have been told it is, is to go there and see for your self.

So I went there. I checked out the place. It seemed cool on the surface. But I still wasn't completely sold so I remained hesitant. It seemed like there was this one area around the neighborhood that everyone just sort of talked around and would never really tell me the real deal about it. And one day I happened to stumble upon this area for myself. It was filled with selfish disregard and detached indifference. This supposed "great" neighborhood was actually just a facade for a grimey ghetto.

Now who is to blame? The person who misrepresented the situation, or the person who believed them? Or are they both to blame? I feel like there is something to be said for really truly wanting to believe in someone. For me, it's like I want you to be right. I want everything to be as you said it is. That desire sometimes overshadows the gut feeling though. And then here is the problem, if you go with your gut then you become the bad guy because even if you are 100% right it's like, well you don't "KNOW" cause u have no "proof" and you are basically calling the other person a fraud or you're not giving them a chance. But if you wait til you have proof, whelp, guess what, it's STILL your fault cause you allowed yourself to get suckered. It's basically a lose lose and the hoodwinkers of course take no responsibility what so ever.

Now I don't have a problem with ghettos. But it doesn't mean I want to live there either. If it's the hood, say it's the hood. Then let me decide if I want to deal with it or not. Just keep it real, I can respect that.

I crack me up

I know I say this all the time, and I really mean it. I crack me up. If no one else finds me funny, I couldn't care less... I find me funny. And I always have. When I was really young, I used to keep a diary. I still have it too. I also have the journal I used to write in in my middle school English class. Once in a while when I'm in the closet looking for something I stumble upon one of these documents and decided to take a trip down memory lane. Usually the trip is pretty cloudy because I can't always remember what it was I was talking about or the exact situation I was on. But none the less, they usually crack me up. Now that journaling is all online and digital, it makes it that much easier not only to write, but to go back and read.

Today I happened to do just that. Most people don't know that I have more than 1 blog. While this is probably the only one anybody will ever read, I decided to take a peek back at a post or two from my other blog. Sometimes I need a refresher of where I've been and some of the mistakes I've made just to remind me not to make them again. It helps to reinforce lessons I am supposed to have learned and hopefully allow me recognize missteps before I slip, fall and bust my ass...yet again. Other times, I'm simply bored and know it's probably good for at least a laugh or two. So I'm sitting here reading this line in one of my blogs and I was cracking up. It was so poetically over dramatic. I think I was probably having an emo moment. I had to laugh cause I just do NOT write like that on the regular.  I don't think anyone would read this blog if I did. I'd post the quote, but like everything else in that blog, it is too embarrassing. 

Enough chit chat, let me get to my point.  This is simply my pitch to those few of you who do read my blog... Go out there and start your own! Seriously. It may seem like maybe you don't have much to say, or that writing in it consistently is tedious or difficult to remember to do, but I think that when you look back you will realize that it is well worth it. It is your story, told through your eyes in your own words. How could that not be interesting to at least one person? That person being you! Actually my motives for this post are purely selfish. I wish more of my friends had blogs. Like the ones I don't speak to as often. The ones who have gone on to get married, have kids or have amazing adventures, I want to hear all about it.

So here's a suggestion. What if we pretend that this blog was a LOT longer, but it's not? Now you can use the time that you would have spent reading it to go start your own. Who knows, you may find that you crack yourself up too.

TLC

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, who happens to be about 25 I believe, and he made the statement that he thinks he is going through a quarter life crisis. Then I started thinking, If there really is such a thing as a mid-life crisis, then surely there can be a quarter-life crisis right? So by logical reasoning, if both of those are valid, then surely there is such a thing as a third-life crisis. That may be where I'm at right now. I'm too old for the QLC and too young (although I'm sure someone out there would disagree) for an MLC, even though I'm sure it's coming. That leaves me in the TLC category. Now I wouldn't call this much of a crisis. I don't feel like I'm about to start committing  spontaneous acts of  lunacy. You won't see me go out and buy a motor cycle tomorrow and join hell's angels or shave my head bald. I don't see me quitting my job to become a nomadic Buddhist monk living off the kindness of strangers or all of a sudden deciding to be a lesbian. Let's save the crazy stuff for the MLC. But I do think I am overdue for a change of some sort. Not sure what it is going to be. Maybe I will end up getting a dog. Maybe I'll just cut my hair (as opposed to shave it off) I don't know. I just want to do something different. change things up a little bit. Get away from the norm that I've known for so long.

I'm open for suggestions.

Not so fast and my theory of want

I just finished writing a blog post, but I didn't post it. While I was actually pretty happy with what I came up with,  when I finished I realized that I may be exposing myself just a bit too much. It isn't even something super personal or anything like that. I realized that I I would be revealing one of my HUGE weaknesses. What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! Granted hardly anyone even reads this blog, but then again, you never know. I could have an unknown enemy out there just waiting for the opportunity to insight my demise. Too much? You're right, no one is out to get me. But still, once its out there it's out there, right? This just goes to show that everything that seems like a good idea or harmless at the time, might not always be. So rather than reading about my Achilles heel and my plan to manage it, you are stuck with this post about how you almost got to read it. I'm sure it's just devastating, but you'll get over it, promise.

On another note... A couple of weekends ago I found myself on the not so sunny, partly cloudy, scattered showers shores of Miami, South Beach. I would have to say that this was another successful beach getaway for me this year. I think I was just glad to be out of Tucson and in a place where I'm not completely invisible. I swear things are just so different on the east coast. It makes me wonder what the hell I'm still doing in a place where there is next to no potential. I know I've said I give up. The whole hang up my apron thing. No cooking in the kitchen, blah blah blah. But really I may just be being lazy. I say I've tried, but what have I actually done? Sure I've given ppl a chance who probably less than deserved it, and allowed things to sorta see where they go, but all of that is reactive, not proactive. There is this saying that goes something like "to get what you've never had, you need to do what you've never done" somewhere along those lines. Then there is my whole car theory of want. I've probably told this story before. But back before I had a car, I really wanted a car. I wanted a car so bad I practically starved myself for an entire summer to save up enough money to buy it. For me that is the bar by which I gauge how badly I want something. If I'm not willing to sacrifice for it, then I don't really want it. Period.

I applied this same principle this past week when I went to the Humane society to look at dogs. I saw this one pit there and I swear I just adored him. I even liked his name, Kino. Granted there is a good chance I'm probably allergic to him, but he gave me the "please take me home" eyes. Almost got me, til I sat down and thought about it. What am I going to have to give up to have a dog? Clean carpet? my mornings, afternoons and weekends? having another bill? Was I willing to sacrifice? Do I really want a dog that badly? NOPE! At least not right now. But maybe I'll change my mind. Same thing goes for kids. I don't even half want kids as bad as I wanted a car back then. I just don't. And until I feel that way, I'm perfectly happy with being everyone's favorite auntie.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the whole dating thing. If I really wanted to date somebody I could. So when I say there is no one to date that is an outright lie. It's just how badly do I want it? What am I willing to sacrafice? What is it that I can do that I haven't tried? I basically have 3 options, 1: Be more proactive and expand my pool. B: Settle.  III: Move. It's that simple. And when I put it like that, seeing as how it isn't raining men out here like it would be if I lived anywhere else, it becomes clear that I must be happy being single, or at the very least don't want badly enough for anything to change. So single I will stay.

The end.

PGN connect...

In the last couple of years, I have learned something very important about myself. I have got the illest gut on the planet. By gut, I mean gut feeling. I swear it has never EVER been wrong, EVER. It must be tapped into the Psychic Goon's Network or something cause that mug knows ALL. It may not always know specifics, but it can always tell when something isn't right. Kinda like my own little spidey sense. If I could just learn to listen to it a little better though. It's like trust and believe my gut, but I just have to see for myself. As if I need proof just to make sure it's still working. I can't just take it at its word and keep it moving. The crazy thing is that when the details do finally reveal themselves, it just amazes me at how right was. I just sometimes wish the truth would show itself at the time that gut feeling kicks in. Then my curiosity wouldn't take over. But I don't have control over anyone other myself. I can't make people show me their hand. I can't force anyone to be honest or expect anyone to lay all their cards down on the table even if I ask nicely. I just have to trust that when I feel someone is not being straight up then they probably aren't. If I don't trust someone and I don't know why, there is a reason, it just hasn't come out yet. If a situation seems funny, or things don't add up and I feel something is missing, then it is. That's all there is to it. It's so funny how truth manifests itself though. There were times when I would be in a situation and I used to wonder if I was crazy. Like am I imagining this? I have my gut telling me one thing, and information being give to me (usually by some guy) saying something else. Then maybe weeks or months later I would find out I was right all along...

Real life example time...

I may have told this story before, if so, you'll just have to hear it again. I'll keep it short. I once knew this guy and he seemed cool. Dude had a couple of friends that lived where I was at, so he was gonna come out to visit them and see me as well. I had already told ol boy he wasn't getting any before he came out so just keep that in mind. So this guy comes out and him and his boys go down to mexico or something. He tells me he'll be back on a certain day and then we were gonna hang out. Well he didn't come back when he said he would. In fact he got back with just enough time for him to hang out for a few hours and then catch his plane the next morning. I was kinda upset cause I had made plans and he left me hanging. When I asked him what happened he told me that one of his friends got his wallet stolen and they couldn't get back across the boarder.*side eye*  He went from being someone I thought was cool, to a lying sack of shit in 2.5 seconds. He musta thought I was stupid cause what proof did I have? I wasn't there. I just so happened to know 2 of the ppl he went down there with and they were telling the same story also. So it has to be true right? Well my gut said no, they were all some lying bastards. But I was like ok whatever. This fool stuck to this story for weeks. And eventually we stopped talking. Then one day out of nowhere I get an IM from him just randomly. And in our conversation he actually came clean about what ACTUALLY happened. Basically he didn't come back cause I wasn't gonna let him smash... Really?! ya don't say?!?!?! Clearly this came as no surprise. I already knew he was lying from jump and I suspected that was the reason, but I had no proof. I also didn't have was the balls to call him a liar to his face and tell him that if he had any respect for me, or for him self he would just come clean. But as a woman, when you call a man on his bullshit with no proof, that just makes you look crazy when really you are not. And even when you do have proof, men still like to deny it so what's the point?

You really don't need proof to be right though. That's just for people who don't want to accept that you are. Even then it's not enough. Really the gut feeling is all I should need if people really understood it.. I can't even explain how strong it is. As if its presence is proof in and of itself. There is nothing anyone can say, or do to make me disregard it either. I don't care how much someone denies something, how much evidence there is to the contrary, until that feeling is explained it won't go away because SOMETHING still isn't quite right. I just don't know what it is at the time.  I would say that perhaps it wasn't a good measure if it was ever wrong, but it never is... ever. If that day ever comes then I will know that somebody went on and cut my connection to the psychic goon network and I'll have to call up the leader of the goon squad and see if I can get it reestablished (inside joke)

Until then, I'm going to work on listening to myself a little bit better. I did that today actually. I felt I could trust somebody, and so I just went with it. Was so glad I did because it actually made me feel so much better because it brought some things into perspective. It also helped me to realize that my gut is still functioning, probably better than ever. Just sucks to be right all the time about some things. Like you know something is true, but you just don't want it to be... oh well. se la vi

And just like that...

I'm done. As abruptly as that fast started it was over pretty much the first day. I started off with my lemonade and was doing ok the first couple of hours. Then the whole mental aspect of it kicked in. I really wasn't mentally prepared to go off food cold turkey. I didn't want it bad enough to do that. I ate some celery and peanut butter the first day. Saturday I had egg whites, a chicken burger patty with no bun and a V8. I was bout to be good with just that til I got a tweet about Red Lobster. After that it was definitely over. I swear I spent almost as much money on the ingredients for that cleanse as I did on my groceries for the week. Oh well, I tried, sorta. I did lose like 4 lbs in like that first 24 hrs though. Probably not the healthiest weight loss. I'm sure it was all water though. So I got another 4 lbs and about 2.5 weeks to work on it. I doubt I make it though. I just don't know what will be so different about these next 2.5 weeks that I haven't done in the past 2.5 months.

In other news...

Ummm... I guess there really is no other news. I could tell you all the stuff I didn't do since I didn't do crap this past weekend. Just sat my ass around the house. Watched tv, rented a movie. I didn't even work out. Didn't get a tuner like I had planned. I didn't drink any liquor. I did spend money though, but it was on necessary stuff (with the exception of Red Lobster). I didn't work on any new routines, or play with my guitar (cause I have no tuner, which is a lame excuse cause I can't play anything anyway). I did knit a few rows on my scarf. Not nearly as many as I could have. I doubt I finish it by the time it gets cold. I didn't bake a cake or do all my laundry. I didn't do a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that I definitely could have done. I should make it a point to have next weekend be more productive. I really wish I could be productive during the week, but by the time I get home I'm ready to go to sleep. Speaking of sleep, might try and catch me a quick nap right now, before the office mate gets in.

ttfn.

Why do I do this to myself?

I am almost certain that this isn't a good idea. But I figured I'd give it a shot to be supportive. I'm doing this Master Cleanse for a week. It's basically fasting (aka starving yourself) for a week, or however long you choose to do it. It is supposed to be 10 days, but I refuse to give this mug 2 weekends. All I can have is this funky lemonade mixture and that's it. No food, no juice, no nothing. I am going to take vitamins though. I figure there can't be any real significant nutrients in lemonade. Oh and I can have tea and I'm also allowing myself to chew sugar free gum. See I'm cheating already and it's only day 1. It isn't even 9 am yet and I'm ready to quit. I just want some egg whites with cheese, some fruit, fish n shrimp, something! Yup, might don't make it. And it's not even so much that I feel I can't do it. I think it's cause I already know I can so I don't feel the need to prove anything to myself. But I said I would do it, so I will. I have to, cause I said I would. I'mma try really hard not to complain. It's only 7 days right? This will further force me to focus on other things. I can't spend any money and now I can't even eat. All I'll have is my extracurricular activities... crossfit, pole. I said I wanted to work on my hobbies, so now I really have the chance. Think I'll go pull out that scarf I started knitting almost a year ago. Maybe I'll actually finish it.

Probably won't do a day by day like I did with CSD. I can't remember, plus those posts were so uninteresting (kinda like this one). But I will try and post something after the last day just to document how I did and if there were any results.

So today I'm 128lbs. 8 of those need to go in the next 3 weeks. But I been trying to lose those same lbs for the past 3 months. Needless to say I'm not too optimistic. I think I'm bout to give up on losing weight. I hate to be a quitter, but I'm at a point where I don't know what else to do. Kill myself in the gym? That's not maintainable. Probably just need to run more. Especially since I haven't made any progress on those 5 miles. Or the 5 inches for that matter. And we already discussed the 5 lbs being a lost cause. Geez, I sound like such a failure. Seems to be a theme lately... smh.

A'light lemme go do something with myself so I don't sit, sulk and sour on my first work from home day in for ever... ciao

A random weekend...

I really don't feel like I travel all that much, cause I would like to travel more. But when the opportunity comes along to go someplace, circumstances permitting, I take advantage. I mean why not, right? I don't have any kids, no husband, no boyfriend. I can get up and go where ever, whenever. So this past weekend I got up and went to Oahu.

I have been to Hawaii before, but it was a totally different island (Kauai) so it was cool to see the differences between the two. Oahu is much more crowded and touristie than Kauai. But it's still got some really beautiful scenery.

When I got there on Thursday, I hooked up with a friend of mine that used to live out here in Tucson. We walked around Waikiki and he told me the different places I should go. Gave me the heads up on the crazy people and pointed out how to spot the street walkers by their clear or black stripper heels. I'm really wishing I had gone surfing on Thursday cause that was probably the one thing that I wanted to do that I didn't get a chance to.

Because of the time difference I was up super early on Friday morning. The friend I was meeting out there had arrived the night before. I think we probably left the hotel room before 9am. Hit the strip in search of food and ended up at this really nice looking bar/restaurant. It looked like it would be a good place to watch a game or a fight cause they had tv's all over. It was called Giovanni Pastrami. I had the pastrami and eggs, thinking if u got pastrami in the name of your spot, then it had better be good. Otherwise I'mma need you to change the name. But the pastrami was pretty good. After eating it was still early as hell, so I figured why not catch a movie, Planet of the Apes came out that day, all we had to do was find a theater. No problem right?

How about the GPS on my phone was all the way bootleg the ENTIRE weekend. Only one time did it ever pinpoint my correct location at the time. So I'm searching for this theater and it comes up on google maps like oh ok, it's not that far.... um, no. I don't know if it's because when you go someplace for the first time and you don't know where you are going that it seems like you'll never get there, or if it really was that far. But I swear we were walking FOREVER. At least an hour. So I know it had to be about 3 miles away. That ain't what my GPS told me tho. At any rate, made it to the movies in time for the first show. Movie was pretty good too.

Hopped a cab back to the beach (cause ain't NO WAY I was walking back) and went swimming and boogie boarding. I was real disappointed with the boogie boarding though. In Kauai, the waves were really strong, but in Waikiki, not so much. I saw all these surfers catching waves with their boards, but I was just floating right over them. Come to think of it, I didn't see a single person with a boogie board ride not one wave the whole weekend. Probably shouldda told me something. I know better for next time.

Saturday was para sailing and jet skis. The para sailing was cool. Compared to the jet skis tho it was nothing. I think I underestimated the power of a jet ski. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that it was going to be something like a go kart just on water. I was so wrong though. Those things are FAST. Faster than I thought they would be anyway. I hopped on the jet ski and kinda puttered over to the little "track" we were to go around. Then I floored that mug like I knew what I was doing. MAAAAN when I tell you I was holding on for dear LIFE!. You would think that would make me slow down right? Nope. I figure the worst thing that would happen is I fall in the water. Had water flying in my face, could hardly see at times, could barely steer and didn't even care. It was such a rush. The para sailing was pretty boring in comparison.

Sunday was probably the only day I actually took any pictures, the few that I did take. Went sight seeing on these little two seat wide scooter things. The island was soooo beautiful. Here are a few pics that I took with my phone believe it or not

 This was from my passenger seat view while we were riding along the highway that went by the water. The little scooters didn't go that fast. When dude was explaining them he was like, you may need to push them up hill... ?!?! I'm thinking, I do not push. So I will be sitting while someone else pushes. Luckily that never happened though.

 This pic was from this little scenic pull out area. You had to hop over a little rock wall to get down closer to the ocean. There was a sign that said, do not go beyond this point, meaning the wall. But I figure (and aparently everyone else did too) if they really didn't want ppl to go past, they wouldda put up a high ass fence, not no 2 foot wall. There were dudes way down far by the water fishing. I swear the water looked like Koolaid it was so blue. Was making me thirsty.

 This island I believe had a name, but I don't remember what it was. I kept thinking of the show LOST whenever I saw islands like this. I was trying to imagine what it would feel like to be stranded here seeing as how it was filmed in Hawaii. Long as I wasn't stuck there with ppl who got on my nerves I think I'd be ok.

The last stop on the tour was this really pretty beach. I think it was called Kailua Beach. There was a guy out there doing what I'm gonna call para surfing. I really don't know what it's called, but he was basically on a surf board and had a small parachute caught in the wind that was pulling him across the water. He was moving pretty fast too. Looked like a lotta fun. But I bet you gotta be pretty fit to be out as far as he was (he was all the way out at those islands). I barely could go 5 min on the jet skis without my hands getting tired.

Had just enough time to return the scooters and hop a cab to the airport. Popped a sleeping pill and slept the entire way back to Phoenix. I honestly didn't know how it was going to be sitting for 6 hrs straight in the middle seat. But when you sleep, it doesn't much matter.

That pretty much sums up the weekend. If you ever get the chance to go to Hawaii, I definitely recommend it.

Aloha!

Cookie Compromise

I cannot stand when ppl do stuff that doesn't make sense simply because they won't say what they really want. Maybe it's because they don't want to be declined, idk. I'll admit, in general my default response to a lot of things is no. At the same time, I am the type of person that will try to work something out with people, most of the time.. Compromise, come up with some alternatives or whatever the case may be, but it's impossible to do that if someone isn't even honest about what they really want. Cause the solution could be very simple, or maybe there isn't one at all. But if ppl were honest, solutions, or lack there of, could at the very least be recognized up front.  Now am I guilty of doing this? Probably. Doesn't make it any less annoying though. Besides I can't think of an example for me, but I do have one of someone else....

I was once talking to this dude and we were just cool, kinda getting to know each other or whatever. He invited me to visit, and I agreed cause it wasn't like I had anything else to do, so why not right? So I'm on the phone with him one day telling him I'm about to bake some cookies (real cookies, not metaphorical ones). He asks me if I'd bake him some cookies when I came, which was probably within a week or less if I remember correctly. I explain to him that he probably doesn't have all of the things I'd need to make these particular cookies and besides it takes entirely too long to make them for me to be doing a whole other batch when I'm bout to make them now. Dude tells me he'll buy everything I need to make the cookies. In my head I'm thinking that would be doing ALL the way THEEE most cause he'd need a stand mixer, cookie press, melting chocolates and all the ingredients I already have that he will never even use again. That makes no sense and I tell him this. I then offer to just send him some cookies (attempt to compromise #1)

He says no, he wants fresh cookies. Had this been a face to face convo, dude wouldda gotten the side eye. Me being the good sport that I am continue to try and work out an alternative. Looking at the situation, I figure, ok, so not only does he want these particular cookies, he wants fresh ones. That's a fair assessment right? I'll just give him the recipe and he can make them himself. Cause I'm not about to make these bitches twice in the same week for no damn reason. So I offer up my alternative (attempt to compromise #2). What does dude say? No, I want you to make them. WTF? Not only do you want my cookies, but u want me to make them AND they have to be fresh out the oven. Keep in mind dude has never even tasted these cookies. He has no idea what he is even asking for! So at this point I feel like I can't help him. I offered him my cookies made by me, but they wouldn't be fresh out the oven, that was no good. I offered the same cookies, fresh out the oven, but made by his own hand, still no go. I'm thinking there is NO WAY he's getting all 3 cause I REFUSE to make these cookies again just cause he want to get his way. I'll give it one more go though.Ok, last option is I will make u some cookies, they will be fresh, but they gotta come from the store. Final offer (attempt #3). Think he accepts? Of course not. So I tell him, well I guess you won't be getting any cookies then. You know what this dude had the nerve to say to me?!?!?! That I need to learn how to compromise!!! GTFOH, that's what I wanted to say. I think I mighta been low key annoyed at that one. Then come to find out, dude didn't even really want any damn cookies in the first place. So you tell me what exactly was the purpose of this conversation? Got me racking my brain trying to help you out and for NOTHING? You don't even want any cookies???!!! Apparently he just wanted me to make him something. Do something nice for him or whatever.  Now think if he wouldda just said that in the first place? SMH.

The other problem I saw was, why do you have to work so hard to actually try and get me to do something nice for you? Doesn't that make it artificial? If it doesn't come from me then is the gesture even genuine? It seemed like dude wanted me to cook for him, but I had no desire to cook at all. And the fact that it seemed like he was trying so hard to make it happen, made me all the way opposed to it. I hate when ppl try to get me to do stuff I don't wanna do, for no reason other than just cause they wanna see me do it.

Personally I think he just wanted to get me in the kitchen. I feel like he has this thing about women in a certain place and was trying to get me to fit his ideals. I got the impression that dude is looking for someone to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen with a child on one arm and a frying pan in the other cooking and cleaning and having his dinner ready when he gets home.I already told him that ain't me tho. So anyone who tries to get me to fit some preconceived notion of what they think I should be needs to preconceive failure. I ain't about that life.

The New Puce...

Someone asked me the other day, not if I have ever been in love, but ever felt love for someone. That got me thinking... How do you even know, and what's the difference? What exactly does love look like? Has anyone ever seen it walking around? What color is it?

I mean I got love. I know what that is. I got love for my peeps. Got love for the homies. Oh, and I can show some love  *claps hands* like they say at concerts and performances. But being in love, and feeling love for someone, probably not the same thing.. It's kinda like puce. For those that don't know, puce is a color. I have known this for a while. It's actually sort of a joke between my bff and I, which is neither here nor there. But even though I knew it was a color, I couldn't tell you what it looked like even though I suspected it was a shade of pink. Then when I finally saw it, and it was actually identified, it was like, oh ok, yeah that looks like it could be puce. I'll buy it. But when was the last time love was staring me right in my face? (don't answer that) Who has ever pointed it out and defined it? I may be thinking it's green, when it's actually some shade of purple. What the hell do I know?

Plus people, including myself, use the word so often, who is to say what it really means. I guess there are just different kinds of love. I mean, I love me some Chipotle. Mighta saved my life this past weekend actually. Or I love Dulce de Leche cheesecake (Why am I not surprised that food would be the first example I thought of? Might be my first love) That's very different from how I love my mamma.

At any rate, hopefully I'll know it when I see it. I think I will, at least that's what I tell myself. Until then, its just like puce to me.

My portfolio

OMG I'm so bored right now. I'm sitting here clock watching and I got like freaking 3 HOURS to go! I can't. So I decided to blog in the meantime. Maybe this will kill 20 minutes if I'm lucky. But what to talk about?
...?...?... Ok got something.

Earlier this week, or maybe late last week, I can't remember, I was having a conversation with someone about investments. Not the typical type of investment that you may think, say in terms of money or the stock market. But emotional investment. It just so happened that the whole money and stock analogy fit in very well. So questions to you all (all 2 of you) is what determines if you become emotionally invested in a person? Is it by choice? Involuntary? or a combination of both? How do you keep from making bad investment decisions? Stocks? bonds? Mutual funds? Do you diversify your portfolio and invest in multiple areas?

Personally I have never found myself invested in more than one opportunity (or in-opportunity) at a time. That might be the one area I'm incapable of multitasking at. In terms of the voluntary or involuntary, eh, I'm not sure. For example, if I meet a nice guy (or more realistically someone who ain't shit) maybe get to know them a little and there is something that I find attractive about them, you might be able to say that I "like" them, at least a lil. Call it a crush, or infatuation I don't really care. But I would consider the attraction part involuntary. Of course this doesn't equal investment. However, the climate for investment opportunities just got that much more favorable simply off of attraction.

In my mind though, just because I like you, that doesn't mean a damn thing. Doesn't mean I'd date you. Doesn't mean I'll sleep with you. It doesn't even mean I'mma talk to you. It means nothing. It just is what it is. If nothing comes from it, I'll get over it. Then it's on to the next one (which out here could be months if not years in between).

Now as for poor investment decisions, I definitely have my fair share in the past, comparatively speaking. Pretty much every guy I have ever invested in has either played me or turned out to be a disappointment in one way or another. It's really only recently that I feel I might actually be learning from these mistakes. The only problem with learning from them is that it may make it that much more difficult for the next dude to get any sort of buy-in.

Before I kind of always wanted a relationship. Or I was in some way searching for someone whether it be actively or passively. Today though, I think I can honestly say IDGAF. Single, not single - who cares. No dates in idk how long - so what. Nothing but lames and losers trying to get at me (if anybody at all) - pfft whatever. I'm done caring about this stuff. It could be this attitude that ultimately causes me to be some kind of childless, manless old maid/cat lady with no cats. Eh... F it. Right now I'm good with me. I have a stress free, drama free, carefree, responsibility and obligation free life. I can do whatever the hell I want. That right there, sounds pretty damn good to me.

But back to investments... I'm not opposed to investing. Not at all. I just need to find a good stable mutual fund. Maybe I should seek the help of a financial adviser. So when the time comes to plan for retirement, I can invest wisely. Until then, I may research the opportunities that come my way. Maybe drop a couple dollars here or there, just nothing I can't afford to lose if the market crashes.

This, That and The Other...

When I first started this blog, I was doing really well. Now it seems like I fell off. I think that one of my (many) problems is that I freestyle with my time way too much. All of the things that I want to do and need to do need to be scheduled. Not only scheduled, but done at the scheduled time. No more flexibility like I been doing, cause then stuff doesn't get done.

Granted I'm single, no kids, no boo, so I feel I can do whatever I want whenever I want and the only person it affects is me. But it's getting to a point where this just isn't working. I need some order in my life. Its time to get it together. Not tomorrow, or this weekend or next week, but NOW. So what can I do right now to bring some order to my life? Ummmmm.... gimme a min to think about this.

Ok, I got it. I once saw or read or heard this thing by Chalene Johnson where she talked about goals. And one of the tips she gave was really simple... Make a list.

So starting today I'm going to make a list every day of everything I want to do. I'm even going to schedule a reminder in my phone and block out some list making time. Then I'll post back here in a week to see how it worked out... lemme schedule that in my calendar too while I'm thinking about it.

In other news...

I'm BROKE! idk what in the hell I been doing, but it has been WAAAAAY too much. I will be FORCED to sit my ass down at the end of the summer cause all my lil spending money is bout to be GONE! On the other hand, I definitely can't say that I have been bored. In the past couple months I've done more shopping than I have this entire year. I have kicked it in phx 3 times (no gen pop) and spent a week in Jamaica. Now I have Miami and Hawaii coming up plus Kat Williams is gonna be in Phoenix all in the next couple months. After that I'm going underground not to be heard from for at least a month (LiesItell).

On another note though... I don't know if I've ever mentioned it in this blog, but I have been facilitating classes at Tucson Pole Fitness for the past maybe 3 months or so. When I originally offered to do it, I told Jess (the owner) that I'd do it for free if I could take classes for free. And she was cool with that. I'm actually still cool with that, but yesterday when I went in to teach, I saw a note on the clip board and under it was a check. She actually paid me! Now granted it isn't much (it is maybe enough to put gas in my car) but it's just something about getting paid to do something that you would do for free regardless, ya know? It makes me wonder what it would be like to be able to live off of doing something I completely enjoy. Definitely some food for thought.

And with that, Ciao for now.

Recap...

Whew! it's been over a month since I blogged. Figured I'd do a lil recap in light of the fact that it's been a while. But seeing as how I have no life, this should be quick...

I finally got that new phone last month that I was itching to get so dagon badly a couple months back. I've had it for almost a month. The Evo Shift. Yeah, I think I'm bout to shift this mug right on back to the store tho. Why the hell did it crap out on me this morning? I was trying to make a phone call and all I got was a blank screen. Then it just sat there for a minute and wouldn't respond to ANYTHING. Eventually it force closed. This happened like twice. Now I've had other apps fail on me and didn't think much of it. But keeping in mind that this is a phone, making phone calls really should be the one function that it excels at over all others, right? Exactly. Back to the store it goes. The crappy part of my whole phone episode is tho, I was on the sprint web site this morning and they have a new phone coming out soon... smh, I knew I shouldda waited. But no, I just had to have a phone. Maybe one day I'll learn... maybe. 

What else? Oh I took a little trip to Seattle last month. Man, if I knew whose idea that one was, I might have some words for them. It was COLD and it SNOWED. I was so not prepared. All in all the trip was ok, but I do feel like I spent bunch of time sitting around doing a whole lotta nothing. Like literally just surfing the web or snacking or twiddling my thumbs. I did get to see the space needle tho. Can't say I thought much of it. It was freezing windy and sleeting/freezing raining out. Try taking a picture in that. I did...

Me freezing my ass off

Que mas? Oh right. The whole teaching thing. That hasn't completely come to fruition yet. But it's moving along. I did do an intro class a few weeks ago and that went pretty well. I'm supposed to pick up Thursday classes starting this week, but I still have no routine put together. So I have to work on that today. I think I may leave here early (here being work) and go exchange my phone and then head home to work on my routine. Seems like such a waste of gas coming in today just to turn around and leave. But work wise, I really don't have anything to do. Which reminds me...

I am moving to a new department!!! So long SVT and cranky old people. Unfortunately that also means so long to my work homie who makes things bearable around here. All we do is sit around and come up with conspiracy theories about how we're about to be screwed over and talk a whole bunch of shit... aaahhh, good times. It's not official yet, so I may need not start my chicken counting before I end up with rotten eggs.

Guess that pretty much sums it up. Here are some things to look forward to (or not) in the near future... the rapidly approaching dirty thirty, Summer time, and vacationing in Jamaica (definitely can't wait for that one).

Could it be?!?!

I was at TPF tonight and while we were stretching Jessica said that they were looking for another teacher. So I piped up immediately and said "I'll teach!" Wouldn't ya know she actually took me seriously and said YEAH!?!?!?! I can't even believe it. I might actually get to teach my very own class!! All of a sudden I feel like I just have sooooo much work to do to get ready. I so can't wait. I don't wanna get too excited yet though. Not until I actually have my first class. Now I HAVE to get back good... ASAP! Not sure what I'mma do about this sore wrist though. Might just have to suffer.

Well I just wanted to share the good news. I tried calling people and no one answered their phone so this was my only outlet. Gonna shut up about it now til it happens... God willing!

Animout ...

I'm going to try to keep this one short. So I was at the grocery store today during my lunch cause I really wanted a snack. Had it not been for my unwavering snack craving I would not have this little anecdote to share with you today, so next time you see her, thank my IFG for this one.

I'm in the pudding isle trying to find some pudding. Apparently I didn't find it quick enough because I was there for just enough time for someone to approach me. "Excuse me, miss" I hear. I look up surprised cause I couldda sworn I was in the isle alone. There standing in front of me is this random dude. I don't know where the heck he appeared from, but he was surely on stealth mode cause I didn't even register his presence until he spoke. He proceeds to ask me if I have a husband or a boyfriend. Now of course with that question, I know where this conversation is going. I look at him from head to toe and immediately know I am completely and totally uninterested, 100%. By now I would think that I would have learned to LIE when people like this ask me that question. Had I lied, the conversation would have ended right then and there. No story to tell, no jokes to be made, no laughs to be had... unfortunately my supremely scrupulous inner conscious implores me to tell the truth, so I do.

This random, who I later find out is named Roger, asks me if he can give me his number. I'm thinking...Do I want his number? Of course not. Am I going to call him? Hell no. CAN he give it to me? um, I guess he can if he wants to, although I don't see the point. But he doesn't know all that. So I'm just like, whatever. I didn't have my cell phone so I thought I was gonna get off. I think this dude is about to hand me a business card right? Wrong! I take the card, look at it, and I pause. This isn't a business card this is a... a bus transfer?!?!?! And why does he hand me bus transfer that ALREADY HAS HIS NAME AND NUMBER ON IT!?!?! Then he's like, yeah I'm riding the bus at the moment. Really? ya don't say? I never wouldda guessed that seeing as you just handed me a bus transfer with today's date on it. I didn't say that, but it's what I was thinking. But that's not the best part. Yes, there is more, but let's just pause here for a second. You just so happened to have your name and number already written down on your bus transfer of all things? Really? Ok, moving on...

Ever have someone say something to you that you have no words for? Well after Roger hands me the bus transfer, he tells me that the number on there is a shared number for where he's staying... at a halfway house.
((( 0_0 ))) ANIMOUT!