New Shoes...

What is it about change that makes people damn near run away from it? Why is change such a bad thing? I think that it has to do with people just being comfortable and content with where they are. Anything that threatens that will likely be met with some form of resistance or opposition. I also feel like the older people get the less likely they are to embrace change. I used to see it in my old job a lot. Anytime something new or different came down to incorporate into their job they never wanted to learn it cause the old way worked fine. It would take too much time and energy to learn this new thing, so why bother? I call that the old people mentality. And whenever I catch myself thinking like that I have to stop myself cause I have a fear of looking like my mother.

I don't know if it is the same for the men, but in the women's sections of department stores you have like the Junior's, Misses and then what I call the old people section. Where everything looks like it came from Coldwater Creek. Every time I walk by that section I always ask myself how does one get to the point where they feel like these clothes actually look appealing to them? I need to know so that I don't end up down that road. Now granted I am definitely not the most fashionable person by a long shot. But that doesn't mean I want to be dressing like a grandma either. Just cause someone is old doesn't mean they have to wear boring clothes. But I digress...

So my mother has pretty much bought and worn the same types of clothes for ever. Hair is the same, makeup is the same everything same, same, same. She even still balances her checkbook by hand! Who does that? (old people). I try to get her to try new things but I swear it's like pulling teeth. It is just SO HARD and she fights me the whole way. I on the other hand have kind of always liked switching things up. I like to try new things. But sometimes I catch myself having that old people, anti change mentality about certain things. I will recognize something needs to change and then I still won't do it. Not until I get sick and tired of whatever it was, or the change is forced upon me.

For example, I had these little flat shoes I used to wear to work pretty much all the time. These shoes were SO comfortable I could wear them all day, every day. They were the only comfortable pair of shoes I had and it was almost like I would never find another pair as comfy. But on the flip side man these shoes were RAGGEDY! OMG I shouldda been ashamed to leave the house in these lil things. I would wear them to work, but I would never wear them to go any place else cause I knew they were tore down. It's almost embarrassing how jacked these shoes were. I swear if anyone were to ever take a close look at them, they would probably look at me like I was crazy. Cause it's not like I couldn't afford to buy another pair of shoes. I was just too comfortable in the raggedy ones. And clearly I didn't care that they looked like hell.

Then one day I was on the phone with my mother talking about some unfortunate events that had recently happened in the family. In my mind I'm thinking about the person involved and the whole situation and wondering why they don't just do something different? Just change! But then I happened to look down at my raggedy ass shoes. I realized that I was being a hypocrite. If I can't even go out and buy a new pair of shoes to get out of my lil ol raggedy flats, how do I expect someone to go out and change their LIFE? I can't even change my damn shoes. It was then that I decided to buy some new shoes. Sometimes you gotta just throw old shit out. Even if you feel like you can still use it or still want to keep it around. Once it has served it's purpose, just let it go. I am wearing my new shoes for the first time today. And guess what? They are even MORE comfortable than my old ones!! Imagine that! .

So yeah, while you may feel uneasy, uninterested, uncomfortable or apprehensive about change, it can definitely be a good thing. And just cause something isn't broken, doesn't mean it can't be better. So whether it's a new pair of shoes, or a new path in life, embrace it cause the grass just may be greener on the other side.

A miss- ...

I don't even know what I would call this situation. A miss-communication, misunderstanding, mislabeling, misrepresentation, I don't know, it may be one or all of those, but damnit something is amiss! I honestly can't figure it out and I don't think I ever will so it just is what it is and I'll have to leave it at that. On one hand I kind of feel a little hoodwinked. Like I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. Although really, going back to the whole gut thing, I always knew something wasn't quite right. I was missing something, or there was something I was seeing and just couldn't put a finger on what it was and why it didn't sit well. I still can't.. That ambiguity made me curious though cause I just had to fill in the blanks, but the reality is I should have just let the blanks be blank cause curiosity killed the cat.

How do I explain this? Say someone tells you for example that they live in a great neighborhood. That's all they tell you though. So you want to know how great this place really is. In my mind a great neighborhood would have to posses certain qualities or characteristics that make it great. Maybe it has a lot of amenities like shopping and good schools or whatever the case may be. Bottom line is there are certain things you would expect to find there, and then there are other things you would not expect, and be surprised if you did find them. Like you don't expect to see drug dealers or have a crack house in such a "great" neighborhood. Or have rundown buildings and trash all in the streets.Certain terminology sets expectations.And the only way to find out if something is what you have been told it is, is to go there and see for your self.

So I went there. I checked out the place. It seemed cool on the surface. But I still wasn't completely sold so I remained hesitant. It seemed like there was this one area around the neighborhood that everyone just sort of talked around and would never really tell me the real deal about it. And one day I happened to stumble upon this area for myself. It was filled with selfish disregard and detached indifference. This supposed "great" neighborhood was actually just a facade for a grimey ghetto.

Now who is to blame? The person who misrepresented the situation, or the person who believed them? Or are they both to blame? I feel like there is something to be said for really truly wanting to believe in someone. For me, it's like I want you to be right. I want everything to be as you said it is. That desire sometimes overshadows the gut feeling though. And then here is the problem, if you go with your gut then you become the bad guy because even if you are 100% right it's like, well you don't "KNOW" cause u have no "proof" and you are basically calling the other person a fraud or you're not giving them a chance. But if you wait til you have proof, whelp, guess what, it's STILL your fault cause you allowed yourself to get suckered. It's basically a lose lose and the hoodwinkers of course take no responsibility what so ever.

Now I don't have a problem with ghettos. But it doesn't mean I want to live there either. If it's the hood, say it's the hood. Then let me decide if I want to deal with it or not. Just keep it real, I can respect that.

I crack me up

I know I say this all the time, and I really mean it. I crack me up. If no one else finds me funny, I couldn't care less... I find me funny. And I always have. When I was really young, I used to keep a diary. I still have it too. I also have the journal I used to write in in my middle school English class. Once in a while when I'm in the closet looking for something I stumble upon one of these documents and decided to take a trip down memory lane. Usually the trip is pretty cloudy because I can't always remember what it was I was talking about or the exact situation I was on. But none the less, they usually crack me up. Now that journaling is all online and digital, it makes it that much easier not only to write, but to go back and read.

Today I happened to do just that. Most people don't know that I have more than 1 blog. While this is probably the only one anybody will ever read, I decided to take a peek back at a post or two from my other blog. Sometimes I need a refresher of where I've been and some of the mistakes I've made just to remind me not to make them again. It helps to reinforce lessons I am supposed to have learned and hopefully allow me recognize missteps before I slip, fall and bust my ass...yet again. Other times, I'm simply bored and know it's probably good for at least a laugh or two. So I'm sitting here reading this line in one of my blogs and I was cracking up. It was so poetically over dramatic. I think I was probably having an emo moment. I had to laugh cause I just do NOT write like that on the regular.  I don't think anyone would read this blog if I did. I'd post the quote, but like everything else in that blog, it is too embarrassing. 

Enough chit chat, let me get to my point.  This is simply my pitch to those few of you who do read my blog... Go out there and start your own! Seriously. It may seem like maybe you don't have much to say, or that writing in it consistently is tedious or difficult to remember to do, but I think that when you look back you will realize that it is well worth it. It is your story, told through your eyes in your own words. How could that not be interesting to at least one person? That person being you! Actually my motives for this post are purely selfish. I wish more of my friends had blogs. Like the ones I don't speak to as often. The ones who have gone on to get married, have kids or have amazing adventures, I want to hear all about it.

So here's a suggestion. What if we pretend that this blog was a LOT longer, but it's not? Now you can use the time that you would have spent reading it to go start your own. Who knows, you may find that you crack yourself up too.

TLC

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, who happens to be about 25 I believe, and he made the statement that he thinks he is going through a quarter life crisis. Then I started thinking, If there really is such a thing as a mid-life crisis, then surely there can be a quarter-life crisis right? So by logical reasoning, if both of those are valid, then surely there is such a thing as a third-life crisis. That may be where I'm at right now. I'm too old for the QLC and too young (although I'm sure someone out there would disagree) for an MLC, even though I'm sure it's coming. That leaves me in the TLC category. Now I wouldn't call this much of a crisis. I don't feel like I'm about to start committing  spontaneous acts of  lunacy. You won't see me go out and buy a motor cycle tomorrow and join hell's angels or shave my head bald. I don't see me quitting my job to become a nomadic Buddhist monk living off the kindness of strangers or all of a sudden deciding to be a lesbian. Let's save the crazy stuff for the MLC. But I do think I am overdue for a change of some sort. Not sure what it is going to be. Maybe I will end up getting a dog. Maybe I'll just cut my hair (as opposed to shave it off) I don't know. I just want to do something different. change things up a little bit. Get away from the norm that I've known for so long.

I'm open for suggestions.

Not so fast and my theory of want

I just finished writing a blog post, but I didn't post it. While I was actually pretty happy with what I came up with,  when I finished I realized that I may be exposing myself just a bit too much. It isn't even something super personal or anything like that. I realized that I I would be revealing one of my HUGE weaknesses. What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! Granted hardly anyone even reads this blog, but then again, you never know. I could have an unknown enemy out there just waiting for the opportunity to insight my demise. Too much? You're right, no one is out to get me. But still, once its out there it's out there, right? This just goes to show that everything that seems like a good idea or harmless at the time, might not always be. So rather than reading about my Achilles heel and my plan to manage it, you are stuck with this post about how you almost got to read it. I'm sure it's just devastating, but you'll get over it, promise.

On another note... A couple of weekends ago I found myself on the not so sunny, partly cloudy, scattered showers shores of Miami, South Beach. I would have to say that this was another successful beach getaway for me this year. I think I was just glad to be out of Tucson and in a place where I'm not completely invisible. I swear things are just so different on the east coast. It makes me wonder what the hell I'm still doing in a place where there is next to no potential. I know I've said I give up. The whole hang up my apron thing. No cooking in the kitchen, blah blah blah. But really I may just be being lazy. I say I've tried, but what have I actually done? Sure I've given ppl a chance who probably less than deserved it, and allowed things to sorta see where they go, but all of that is reactive, not proactive. There is this saying that goes something like "to get what you've never had, you need to do what you've never done" somewhere along those lines. Then there is my whole car theory of want. I've probably told this story before. But back before I had a car, I really wanted a car. I wanted a car so bad I practically starved myself for an entire summer to save up enough money to buy it. For me that is the bar by which I gauge how badly I want something. If I'm not willing to sacrifice for it, then I don't really want it. Period.

I applied this same principle this past week when I went to the Humane society to look at dogs. I saw this one pit there and I swear I just adored him. I even liked his name, Kino. Granted there is a good chance I'm probably allergic to him, but he gave me the "please take me home" eyes. Almost got me, til I sat down and thought about it. What am I going to have to give up to have a dog? Clean carpet? my mornings, afternoons and weekends? having another bill? Was I willing to sacrifice? Do I really want a dog that badly? NOPE! At least not right now. But maybe I'll change my mind. Same thing goes for kids. I don't even half want kids as bad as I wanted a car back then. I just don't. And until I feel that way, I'm perfectly happy with being everyone's favorite auntie.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the whole dating thing. If I really wanted to date somebody I could. So when I say there is no one to date that is an outright lie. It's just how badly do I want it? What am I willing to sacrafice? What is it that I can do that I haven't tried? I basically have 3 options, 1: Be more proactive and expand my pool. B: Settle.  III: Move. It's that simple. And when I put it like that, seeing as how it isn't raining men out here like it would be if I lived anywhere else, it becomes clear that I must be happy being single, or at the very least don't want badly enough for anything to change. So single I will stay.

The end.

PGN connect...

In the last couple of years, I have learned something very important about myself. I have got the illest gut on the planet. By gut, I mean gut feeling. I swear it has never EVER been wrong, EVER. It must be tapped into the Psychic Goon's Network or something cause that mug knows ALL. It may not always know specifics, but it can always tell when something isn't right. Kinda like my own little spidey sense. If I could just learn to listen to it a little better though. It's like trust and believe my gut, but I just have to see for myself. As if I need proof just to make sure it's still working. I can't just take it at its word and keep it moving. The crazy thing is that when the details do finally reveal themselves, it just amazes me at how right was. I just sometimes wish the truth would show itself at the time that gut feeling kicks in. Then my curiosity wouldn't take over. But I don't have control over anyone other myself. I can't make people show me their hand. I can't force anyone to be honest or expect anyone to lay all their cards down on the table even if I ask nicely. I just have to trust that when I feel someone is not being straight up then they probably aren't. If I don't trust someone and I don't know why, there is a reason, it just hasn't come out yet. If a situation seems funny, or things don't add up and I feel something is missing, then it is. That's all there is to it. It's so funny how truth manifests itself though. There were times when I would be in a situation and I used to wonder if I was crazy. Like am I imagining this? I have my gut telling me one thing, and information being give to me (usually by some guy) saying something else. Then maybe weeks or months later I would find out I was right all along...

Real life example time...

I may have told this story before, if so, you'll just have to hear it again. I'll keep it short. I once knew this guy and he seemed cool. Dude had a couple of friends that lived where I was at, so he was gonna come out to visit them and see me as well. I had already told ol boy he wasn't getting any before he came out so just keep that in mind. So this guy comes out and him and his boys go down to mexico or something. He tells me he'll be back on a certain day and then we were gonna hang out. Well he didn't come back when he said he would. In fact he got back with just enough time for him to hang out for a few hours and then catch his plane the next morning. I was kinda upset cause I had made plans and he left me hanging. When I asked him what happened he told me that one of his friends got his wallet stolen and they couldn't get back across the boarder.*side eye*  He went from being someone I thought was cool, to a lying sack of shit in 2.5 seconds. He musta thought I was stupid cause what proof did I have? I wasn't there. I just so happened to know 2 of the ppl he went down there with and they were telling the same story also. So it has to be true right? Well my gut said no, they were all some lying bastards. But I was like ok whatever. This fool stuck to this story for weeks. And eventually we stopped talking. Then one day out of nowhere I get an IM from him just randomly. And in our conversation he actually came clean about what ACTUALLY happened. Basically he didn't come back cause I wasn't gonna let him smash... Really?! ya don't say?!?!?! Clearly this came as no surprise. I already knew he was lying from jump and I suspected that was the reason, but I had no proof. I also didn't have was the balls to call him a liar to his face and tell him that if he had any respect for me, or for him self he would just come clean. But as a woman, when you call a man on his bullshit with no proof, that just makes you look crazy when really you are not. And even when you do have proof, men still like to deny it so what's the point?

You really don't need proof to be right though. That's just for people who don't want to accept that you are. Even then it's not enough. Really the gut feeling is all I should need if people really understood it.. I can't even explain how strong it is. As if its presence is proof in and of itself. There is nothing anyone can say, or do to make me disregard it either. I don't care how much someone denies something, how much evidence there is to the contrary, until that feeling is explained it won't go away because SOMETHING still isn't quite right. I just don't know what it is at the time.  I would say that perhaps it wasn't a good measure if it was ever wrong, but it never is... ever. If that day ever comes then I will know that somebody went on and cut my connection to the psychic goon network and I'll have to call up the leader of the goon squad and see if I can get it reestablished (inside joke)

Until then, I'm going to work on listening to myself a little bit better. I did that today actually. I felt I could trust somebody, and so I just went with it. Was so glad I did because it actually made me feel so much better because it brought some things into perspective. It also helped me to realize that my gut is still functioning, probably better than ever. Just sucks to be right all the time about some things. Like you know something is true, but you just don't want it to be... oh well. se la vi

And just like that...

I'm done. As abruptly as that fast started it was over pretty much the first day. I started off with my lemonade and was doing ok the first couple of hours. Then the whole mental aspect of it kicked in. I really wasn't mentally prepared to go off food cold turkey. I didn't want it bad enough to do that. I ate some celery and peanut butter the first day. Saturday I had egg whites, a chicken burger patty with no bun and a V8. I was bout to be good with just that til I got a tweet about Red Lobster. After that it was definitely over. I swear I spent almost as much money on the ingredients for that cleanse as I did on my groceries for the week. Oh well, I tried, sorta. I did lose like 4 lbs in like that first 24 hrs though. Probably not the healthiest weight loss. I'm sure it was all water though. So I got another 4 lbs and about 2.5 weeks to work on it. I doubt I make it though. I just don't know what will be so different about these next 2.5 weeks that I haven't done in the past 2.5 months.

In other news...

Ummm... I guess there really is no other news. I could tell you all the stuff I didn't do since I didn't do crap this past weekend. Just sat my ass around the house. Watched tv, rented a movie. I didn't even work out. Didn't get a tuner like I had planned. I didn't drink any liquor. I did spend money though, but it was on necessary stuff (with the exception of Red Lobster). I didn't work on any new routines, or play with my guitar (cause I have no tuner, which is a lame excuse cause I can't play anything anyway). I did knit a few rows on my scarf. Not nearly as many as I could have. I doubt I finish it by the time it gets cold. I didn't bake a cake or do all my laundry. I didn't do a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that I definitely could have done. I should make it a point to have next weekend be more productive. I really wish I could be productive during the week, but by the time I get home I'm ready to go to sleep. Speaking of sleep, might try and catch me a quick nap right now, before the office mate gets in.

ttfn.