I crack me up

I know I say this all the time, and I really mean it. I crack me up. If no one else finds me funny, I couldn't care less... I find me funny. And I always have. When I was really young, I used to keep a diary. I still have it too. I also have the journal I used to write in in my middle school English class. Once in a while when I'm in the closet looking for something I stumble upon one of these documents and decided to take a trip down memory lane. Usually the trip is pretty cloudy because I can't always remember what it was I was talking about or the exact situation I was on. But none the less, they usually crack me up. Now that journaling is all online and digital, it makes it that much easier not only to write, but to go back and read.

Today I happened to do just that. Most people don't know that I have more than 1 blog. While this is probably the only one anybody will ever read, I decided to take a peek back at a post or two from my other blog. Sometimes I need a refresher of where I've been and some of the mistakes I've made just to remind me not to make them again. It helps to reinforce lessons I am supposed to have learned and hopefully allow me recognize missteps before I slip, fall and bust my ass...yet again. Other times, I'm simply bored and know it's probably good for at least a laugh or two. So I'm sitting here reading this line in one of my blogs and I was cracking up. It was so poetically over dramatic. I think I was probably having an emo moment. I had to laugh cause I just do NOT write like that on the regular.  I don't think anyone would read this blog if I did. I'd post the quote, but like everything else in that blog, it is too embarrassing. 

Enough chit chat, let me get to my point.  This is simply my pitch to those few of you who do read my blog... Go out there and start your own! Seriously. It may seem like maybe you don't have much to say, or that writing in it consistently is tedious or difficult to remember to do, but I think that when you look back you will realize that it is well worth it. It is your story, told through your eyes in your own words. How could that not be interesting to at least one person? That person being you! Actually my motives for this post are purely selfish. I wish more of my friends had blogs. Like the ones I don't speak to as often. The ones who have gone on to get married, have kids or have amazing adventures, I want to hear all about it.

So here's a suggestion. What if we pretend that this blog was a LOT longer, but it's not? Now you can use the time that you would have spent reading it to go start your own. Who knows, you may find that you crack yourself up too.

TLC

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, who happens to be about 25 I believe, and he made the statement that he thinks he is going through a quarter life crisis. Then I started thinking, If there really is such a thing as a mid-life crisis, then surely there can be a quarter-life crisis right? So by logical reasoning, if both of those are valid, then surely there is such a thing as a third-life crisis. That may be where I'm at right now. I'm too old for the QLC and too young (although I'm sure someone out there would disagree) for an MLC, even though I'm sure it's coming. That leaves me in the TLC category. Now I wouldn't call this much of a crisis. I don't feel like I'm about to start committing  spontaneous acts of  lunacy. You won't see me go out and buy a motor cycle tomorrow and join hell's angels or shave my head bald. I don't see me quitting my job to become a nomadic Buddhist monk living off the kindness of strangers or all of a sudden deciding to be a lesbian. Let's save the crazy stuff for the MLC. But I do think I am overdue for a change of some sort. Not sure what it is going to be. Maybe I will end up getting a dog. Maybe I'll just cut my hair (as opposed to shave it off) I don't know. I just want to do something different. change things up a little bit. Get away from the norm that I've known for so long.

I'm open for suggestions.

Not so fast and my theory of want

I just finished writing a blog post, but I didn't post it. While I was actually pretty happy with what I came up with,  when I finished I realized that I may be exposing myself just a bit too much. It isn't even something super personal or anything like that. I realized that I I would be revealing one of my HUGE weaknesses. What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! Granted hardly anyone even reads this blog, but then again, you never know. I could have an unknown enemy out there just waiting for the opportunity to insight my demise. Too much? You're right, no one is out to get me. But still, once its out there it's out there, right? This just goes to show that everything that seems like a good idea or harmless at the time, might not always be. So rather than reading about my Achilles heel and my plan to manage it, you are stuck with this post about how you almost got to read it. I'm sure it's just devastating, but you'll get over it, promise.

On another note... A couple of weekends ago I found myself on the not so sunny, partly cloudy, scattered showers shores of Miami, South Beach. I would have to say that this was another successful beach getaway for me this year. I think I was just glad to be out of Tucson and in a place where I'm not completely invisible. I swear things are just so different on the east coast. It makes me wonder what the hell I'm still doing in a place where there is next to no potential. I know I've said I give up. The whole hang up my apron thing. No cooking in the kitchen, blah blah blah. But really I may just be being lazy. I say I've tried, but what have I actually done? Sure I've given ppl a chance who probably less than deserved it, and allowed things to sorta see where they go, but all of that is reactive, not proactive. There is this saying that goes something like "to get what you've never had, you need to do what you've never done" somewhere along those lines. Then there is my whole car theory of want. I've probably told this story before. But back before I had a car, I really wanted a car. I wanted a car so bad I practically starved myself for an entire summer to save up enough money to buy it. For me that is the bar by which I gauge how badly I want something. If I'm not willing to sacrifice for it, then I don't really want it. Period.

I applied this same principle this past week when I went to the Humane society to look at dogs. I saw this one pit there and I swear I just adored him. I even liked his name, Kino. Granted there is a good chance I'm probably allergic to him, but he gave me the "please take me home" eyes. Almost got me, til I sat down and thought about it. What am I going to have to give up to have a dog? Clean carpet? my mornings, afternoons and weekends? having another bill? Was I willing to sacrifice? Do I really want a dog that badly? NOPE! At least not right now. But maybe I'll change my mind. Same thing goes for kids. I don't even half want kids as bad as I wanted a car back then. I just don't. And until I feel that way, I'm perfectly happy with being everyone's favorite auntie.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the whole dating thing. If I really wanted to date somebody I could. So when I say there is no one to date that is an outright lie. It's just how badly do I want it? What am I willing to sacrafice? What is it that I can do that I haven't tried? I basically have 3 options, 1: Be more proactive and expand my pool. B: Settle.  III: Move. It's that simple. And when I put it like that, seeing as how it isn't raining men out here like it would be if I lived anywhere else, it becomes clear that I must be happy being single, or at the very least don't want badly enough for anything to change. So single I will stay.

The end.

PGN connect...

In the last couple of years, I have learned something very important about myself. I have got the illest gut on the planet. By gut, I mean gut feeling. I swear it has never EVER been wrong, EVER. It must be tapped into the Psychic Goon's Network or something cause that mug knows ALL. It may not always know specifics, but it can always tell when something isn't right. Kinda like my own little spidey sense. If I could just learn to listen to it a little better though. It's like trust and believe my gut, but I just have to see for myself. As if I need proof just to make sure it's still working. I can't just take it at its word and keep it moving. The crazy thing is that when the details do finally reveal themselves, it just amazes me at how right was. I just sometimes wish the truth would show itself at the time that gut feeling kicks in. Then my curiosity wouldn't take over. But I don't have control over anyone other myself. I can't make people show me their hand. I can't force anyone to be honest or expect anyone to lay all their cards down on the table even if I ask nicely. I just have to trust that when I feel someone is not being straight up then they probably aren't. If I don't trust someone and I don't know why, there is a reason, it just hasn't come out yet. If a situation seems funny, or things don't add up and I feel something is missing, then it is. That's all there is to it. It's so funny how truth manifests itself though. There were times when I would be in a situation and I used to wonder if I was crazy. Like am I imagining this? I have my gut telling me one thing, and information being give to me (usually by some guy) saying something else. Then maybe weeks or months later I would find out I was right all along...

Real life example time...

I may have told this story before, if so, you'll just have to hear it again. I'll keep it short. I once knew this guy and he seemed cool. Dude had a couple of friends that lived where I was at, so he was gonna come out to visit them and see me as well. I had already told ol boy he wasn't getting any before he came out so just keep that in mind. So this guy comes out and him and his boys go down to mexico or something. He tells me he'll be back on a certain day and then we were gonna hang out. Well he didn't come back when he said he would. In fact he got back with just enough time for him to hang out for a few hours and then catch his plane the next morning. I was kinda upset cause I had made plans and he left me hanging. When I asked him what happened he told me that one of his friends got his wallet stolen and they couldn't get back across the boarder.*side eye*  He went from being someone I thought was cool, to a lying sack of shit in 2.5 seconds. He musta thought I was stupid cause what proof did I have? I wasn't there. I just so happened to know 2 of the ppl he went down there with and they were telling the same story also. So it has to be true right? Well my gut said no, they were all some lying bastards. But I was like ok whatever. This fool stuck to this story for weeks. And eventually we stopped talking. Then one day out of nowhere I get an IM from him just randomly. And in our conversation he actually came clean about what ACTUALLY happened. Basically he didn't come back cause I wasn't gonna let him smash... Really?! ya don't say?!?!?! Clearly this came as no surprise. I already knew he was lying from jump and I suspected that was the reason, but I had no proof. I also didn't have was the balls to call him a liar to his face and tell him that if he had any respect for me, or for him self he would just come clean. But as a woman, when you call a man on his bullshit with no proof, that just makes you look crazy when really you are not. And even when you do have proof, men still like to deny it so what's the point?

You really don't need proof to be right though. That's just for people who don't want to accept that you are. Even then it's not enough. Really the gut feeling is all I should need if people really understood it.. I can't even explain how strong it is. As if its presence is proof in and of itself. There is nothing anyone can say, or do to make me disregard it either. I don't care how much someone denies something, how much evidence there is to the contrary, until that feeling is explained it won't go away because SOMETHING still isn't quite right. I just don't know what it is at the time.  I would say that perhaps it wasn't a good measure if it was ever wrong, but it never is... ever. If that day ever comes then I will know that somebody went on and cut my connection to the psychic goon network and I'll have to call up the leader of the goon squad and see if I can get it reestablished (inside joke)

Until then, I'm going to work on listening to myself a little bit better. I did that today actually. I felt I could trust somebody, and so I just went with it. Was so glad I did because it actually made me feel so much better because it brought some things into perspective. It also helped me to realize that my gut is still functioning, probably better than ever. Just sucks to be right all the time about some things. Like you know something is true, but you just don't want it to be... oh well. se la vi

And just like that...

I'm done. As abruptly as that fast started it was over pretty much the first day. I started off with my lemonade and was doing ok the first couple of hours. Then the whole mental aspect of it kicked in. I really wasn't mentally prepared to go off food cold turkey. I didn't want it bad enough to do that. I ate some celery and peanut butter the first day. Saturday I had egg whites, a chicken burger patty with no bun and a V8. I was bout to be good with just that til I got a tweet about Red Lobster. After that it was definitely over. I swear I spent almost as much money on the ingredients for that cleanse as I did on my groceries for the week. Oh well, I tried, sorta. I did lose like 4 lbs in like that first 24 hrs though. Probably not the healthiest weight loss. I'm sure it was all water though. So I got another 4 lbs and about 2.5 weeks to work on it. I doubt I make it though. I just don't know what will be so different about these next 2.5 weeks that I haven't done in the past 2.5 months.

In other news...

Ummm... I guess there really is no other news. I could tell you all the stuff I didn't do since I didn't do crap this past weekend. Just sat my ass around the house. Watched tv, rented a movie. I didn't even work out. Didn't get a tuner like I had planned. I didn't drink any liquor. I did spend money though, but it was on necessary stuff (with the exception of Red Lobster). I didn't work on any new routines, or play with my guitar (cause I have no tuner, which is a lame excuse cause I can't play anything anyway). I did knit a few rows on my scarf. Not nearly as many as I could have. I doubt I finish it by the time it gets cold. I didn't bake a cake or do all my laundry. I didn't do a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that I definitely could have done. I should make it a point to have next weekend be more productive. I really wish I could be productive during the week, but by the time I get home I'm ready to go to sleep. Speaking of sleep, might try and catch me a quick nap right now, before the office mate gets in.

ttfn.

Why do I do this to myself?

I am almost certain that this isn't a good idea. But I figured I'd give it a shot to be supportive. I'm doing this Master Cleanse for a week. It's basically fasting (aka starving yourself) for a week, or however long you choose to do it. It is supposed to be 10 days, but I refuse to give this mug 2 weekends. All I can have is this funky lemonade mixture and that's it. No food, no juice, no nothing. I am going to take vitamins though. I figure there can't be any real significant nutrients in lemonade. Oh and I can have tea and I'm also allowing myself to chew sugar free gum. See I'm cheating already and it's only day 1. It isn't even 9 am yet and I'm ready to quit. I just want some egg whites with cheese, some fruit, fish n shrimp, something! Yup, might don't make it. And it's not even so much that I feel I can't do it. I think it's cause I already know I can so I don't feel the need to prove anything to myself. But I said I would do it, so I will. I have to, cause I said I would. I'mma try really hard not to complain. It's only 7 days right? This will further force me to focus on other things. I can't spend any money and now I can't even eat. All I'll have is my extracurricular activities... crossfit, pole. I said I wanted to work on my hobbies, so now I really have the chance. Think I'll go pull out that scarf I started knitting almost a year ago. Maybe I'll actually finish it.

Probably won't do a day by day like I did with CSD. I can't remember, plus those posts were so uninteresting (kinda like this one). But I will try and post something after the last day just to document how I did and if there were any results.

So today I'm 128lbs. 8 of those need to go in the next 3 weeks. But I been trying to lose those same lbs for the past 3 months. Needless to say I'm not too optimistic. I think I'm bout to give up on losing weight. I hate to be a quitter, but I'm at a point where I don't know what else to do. Kill myself in the gym? That's not maintainable. Probably just need to run more. Especially since I haven't made any progress on those 5 miles. Or the 5 inches for that matter. And we already discussed the 5 lbs being a lost cause. Geez, I sound like such a failure. Seems to be a theme lately... smh.

A'light lemme go do something with myself so I don't sit, sulk and sour on my first work from home day in for ever... ciao

A random weekend...

I really don't feel like I travel all that much, cause I would like to travel more. But when the opportunity comes along to go someplace, circumstances permitting, I take advantage. I mean why not, right? I don't have any kids, no husband, no boyfriend. I can get up and go where ever, whenever. So this past weekend I got up and went to Oahu.

I have been to Hawaii before, but it was a totally different island (Kauai) so it was cool to see the differences between the two. Oahu is much more crowded and touristie than Kauai. But it's still got some really beautiful scenery.

When I got there on Thursday, I hooked up with a friend of mine that used to live out here in Tucson. We walked around Waikiki and he told me the different places I should go. Gave me the heads up on the crazy people and pointed out how to spot the street walkers by their clear or black stripper heels. I'm really wishing I had gone surfing on Thursday cause that was probably the one thing that I wanted to do that I didn't get a chance to.

Because of the time difference I was up super early on Friday morning. The friend I was meeting out there had arrived the night before. I think we probably left the hotel room before 9am. Hit the strip in search of food and ended up at this really nice looking bar/restaurant. It looked like it would be a good place to watch a game or a fight cause they had tv's all over. It was called Giovanni Pastrami. I had the pastrami and eggs, thinking if u got pastrami in the name of your spot, then it had better be good. Otherwise I'mma need you to change the name. But the pastrami was pretty good. After eating it was still early as hell, so I figured why not catch a movie, Planet of the Apes came out that day, all we had to do was find a theater. No problem right?

How about the GPS on my phone was all the way bootleg the ENTIRE weekend. Only one time did it ever pinpoint my correct location at the time. So I'm searching for this theater and it comes up on google maps like oh ok, it's not that far.... um, no. I don't know if it's because when you go someplace for the first time and you don't know where you are going that it seems like you'll never get there, or if it really was that far. But I swear we were walking FOREVER. At least an hour. So I know it had to be about 3 miles away. That ain't what my GPS told me tho. At any rate, made it to the movies in time for the first show. Movie was pretty good too.

Hopped a cab back to the beach (cause ain't NO WAY I was walking back) and went swimming and boogie boarding. I was real disappointed with the boogie boarding though. In Kauai, the waves were really strong, but in Waikiki, not so much. I saw all these surfers catching waves with their boards, but I was just floating right over them. Come to think of it, I didn't see a single person with a boogie board ride not one wave the whole weekend. Probably shouldda told me something. I know better for next time.

Saturday was para sailing and jet skis. The para sailing was cool. Compared to the jet skis tho it was nothing. I think I underestimated the power of a jet ski. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that it was going to be something like a go kart just on water. I was so wrong though. Those things are FAST. Faster than I thought they would be anyway. I hopped on the jet ski and kinda puttered over to the little "track" we were to go around. Then I floored that mug like I knew what I was doing. MAAAAN when I tell you I was holding on for dear LIFE!. You would think that would make me slow down right? Nope. I figure the worst thing that would happen is I fall in the water. Had water flying in my face, could hardly see at times, could barely steer and didn't even care. It was such a rush. The para sailing was pretty boring in comparison.

Sunday was probably the only day I actually took any pictures, the few that I did take. Went sight seeing on these little two seat wide scooter things. The island was soooo beautiful. Here are a few pics that I took with my phone believe it or not

 This was from my passenger seat view while we were riding along the highway that went by the water. The little scooters didn't go that fast. When dude was explaining them he was like, you may need to push them up hill... ?!?! I'm thinking, I do not push. So I will be sitting while someone else pushes. Luckily that never happened though.

 This pic was from this little scenic pull out area. You had to hop over a little rock wall to get down closer to the ocean. There was a sign that said, do not go beyond this point, meaning the wall. But I figure (and aparently everyone else did too) if they really didn't want ppl to go past, they wouldda put up a high ass fence, not no 2 foot wall. There were dudes way down far by the water fishing. I swear the water looked like Koolaid it was so blue. Was making me thirsty.

 This island I believe had a name, but I don't remember what it was. I kept thinking of the show LOST whenever I saw islands like this. I was trying to imagine what it would feel like to be stranded here seeing as how it was filmed in Hawaii. Long as I wasn't stuck there with ppl who got on my nerves I think I'd be ok.

The last stop on the tour was this really pretty beach. I think it was called Kailua Beach. There was a guy out there doing what I'm gonna call para surfing. I really don't know what it's called, but he was basically on a surf board and had a small parachute caught in the wind that was pulling him across the water. He was moving pretty fast too. Looked like a lotta fun. But I bet you gotta be pretty fit to be out as far as he was (he was all the way out at those islands). I barely could go 5 min on the jet skis without my hands getting tired.

Had just enough time to return the scooters and hop a cab to the airport. Popped a sleeping pill and slept the entire way back to Phoenix. I honestly didn't know how it was going to be sitting for 6 hrs straight in the middle seat. But when you sleep, it doesn't much matter.

That pretty much sums up the weekend. If you ever get the chance to go to Hawaii, I definitely recommend it.

Aloha!